So I haven't written a blog about my Dad since my very first blog about him back in May 2013 (wow it's really been a year). I guess the reason for that is I have actually been doing alright emotionally regarding my dad passing away. Tonight though in a way that all changed. It's getting really close to being 3 and a half years since he passed away and I guess tonight everything got a little too much. I was thinking about him a lot so decided to get out the memory box I made to help remember him. At the time I thought it was a great idea but afterwards it turned out not to be such a great idea.
In my memory box I keep: pictures, cards to and from my dad, a perfume bottle from perfume he bought me years ago, a bracelet watch he bought me years ago, those binocular things that you get in the theatre and letters I've written to him since his passing. I was looking through it trying to hold back the tears but eventually they all just spilled out. I was crying, I was upset...but at the same time I was smiling and laughing remembering all the good times I had with my dad.
I remember the time he went with me and my Godmother to the cinema and fell asleep. He started to really loudly snore and a little boy said to his Dad "Daddy why is that man making that funny noise" we kept trying to nudge him awake but he was like sleeping beauty snoring his head off. I remember when I stayed over at his house and the police showed up at the door. On answering they said we'd called them but the reality was my dad had been on the phone to someone else. As I'm writing all this I'm smiling thinking back about it. It takes my mind of the really bad memories. The ones that I don't want to remember but can't help think about. Things like: seeing him in intensive care in Florida when he was first diagnosed with complete kidney failure, him being rushed into hospital on numerous occasions due to infections, him having a seizure but being awake at the same time, getting a phone call when he went in to have his kidney transplant to say they'd tried for hours but could not transplant the kidney and lastly, the worst of them all really, the night I was told my dad had passed away.
In some ways I am glad my dad is no longer here. Before his death he struggled physically and emotionally with his kidney failure. The dialysis was taking it's toll on him, he was no longer the father I once remembered from when I was little. It was extremely hard seeing him go downhill both physically and emotionally. I remember back to when I was little, before he was diagnosed with kidney failure, and my dad was really full of life. He used to wake up with me really early on Christmas morning and watch me opening my presents. He used to be able to run after me, chasing me about. He used to take me to the beach, the park...he used to play games with me (even dress up). That all changed when he became sick. He was always tired, he never had any energy. When he wasn't in the hospital he was either doing dialysis or he was sick. It really affected me growing up. People stopped noticing me really. At 8 years old that is something which is extremely hard to come to terms with. Everyone was giving my dad attention because he was sick and they would almost forget about me. I remember when I was little I would try and get attention off people negatively. I'd constantly complain I was ill to people to make them feel sorry for me and make them give me attention. It worked...but in a way I sometimes think karma hit me really hard by giving me real life health issues.
I feel really bad because through the way I have been feeling tonight in some ways I took it out on my boyfriend. At 12:30am he told me he had to go to bed and I took it really wrongly due to the way I was feeling. I said really bluntly goodnight to him and then later thought "Oh crap...I'm a terrible person". I sent him another message and hopefully everything will be okay in the morning (I hope) but I still do feel bad because I shouldn't have taken it out on him as he supports me. He is great with things really. He never says he understands which is something I am grateful for as I hate when people say they understand how you feel when they clearly don't. He listens to me even if he cannot say anything to help me and I am also grateful for that because the reality is often I don't need advice I just need someone to talk to about things as I've learned it isn't good to bottle up things.
It's been 3 hours since things started to get bad and to be honest I am feeling a lot better. I'm starting to feel really tired too so I think I should probably head to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel a lot better in the morning as a good night's sleep always helps :) Goodnight
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