Monday 20 May 2013
R.I.P Daddy
I was 8 years old after going on a family holiday to Florida, within 2 days my dad was rushed to hospital after becoming unconcious and spent over a month in intensive care while they figured out what was wrong. After a week they discovered he had kidney failure in both kidneys. After being flown back to Scotland, doctors at the Royal infirmary diagnosed him with Polycystic kidney disease which caused both of his kidneys to fail. He became reliant on dialysis to keep him alive. At first it was Hemodialysis (performed at the hospital 3 times a week and each treatment takes about 6 hours), he then went onto Peritoneal dialysis which at was performed at home (at first he did it during the day 4 times a day and each treatment took about an hour, then he moved onto night time dialysis which took the entire night) then he was transferred back to hemodiaylsis. Nurses used to call me a mini nurse as from the age of 8 I used to help my dad out with his diaylsis and knew how to set it up and always used to enjoy helping out. Over the 9 years my dad suffered from this condition I saw him go through countless things. I remember vividly my mum having to call ambulances on numerous occasions as he developed peritonitis from his Peritoneal dialysis. As a child I visited the Royal so many times, Ward 206 (Renal ward) became much like a second home to my father. He spent a great deal of time in there and I missed out a great deal of having a dad growing up because of it. When I was 14 years old, late 2008, my father received the call we'd all spent 7 years waiting for, a kidney that matched his blood and tissue type had been found. I was at his house and he came rushing through with tears of joy in his eyes and said to me "They've found me a kidney" it was one of the happiest feelings in my life, things really did seem to be looking up. He went to the hospital that night and went in for the surgery the next morning. I remember telling everyone at school that they'd found my dad a kidney and he was going to be alright. I got home from school and was sitting watching TV. My mum received a phone call from the transplant co-ordinator, he explained over the phone that they tried for hours to transplant the kidney but it was unsuccessful due to problems with the circulation in his legs. After my mum told me my heart sank and I cried. I went to see him in the hospital and the joy and spirit had gone from his eyes. He was in Transplant intensive care and all around him people who'd received life saving transplants surrounded him and he was still sick and having to be on dialysis. It was so hard watching my dad cry. He described it as having life taken away from you in the blink of an eye. It took him months to even begin to get back on track and become the dad I once knew again and it was so difficult seeing him like that. On Monday 6th December 2010 my life changed in a way I never thought I'd experience until I was a lot older. I remember it so vividly. It was the day the snow started to get really bad. I asked to leave school early because I knew if I didn't I would end up stuck in Edinburgh with no way to get home. I don't know why but I decided to phone my dad. 11:30am I phoned my dad and we talked on the phone for 10 minutes about how he was going to take my Christmas shopping on the Wednesday and out for dinner. Before I hung up the phone I told him I loved him, to this day I'll never understand why I phoned him at that precise moment or said I loved him because I never normally did it. I arrived home and things were pretty normal. I remember it was the night of the big live Corronation Street episode, the Tram crash. I was sitting watching it when there was a knock at the door. Looking downstairs I saw two police men. After 15 minutes I walked downstairs and my mum asked me if I knew the number for my two uncles. I said I didn't and went back upstairs. The first thought that hit me was...my mum's getting arrested. After half an hour the police left and my mum came upstairs and asked me to turn to TV off. She said "Nicole I don't know how to tell you this so I'm going to say it, it's your dad, he's dead". I screamed, I cried. I'm not a person who cries on the spot, I have to think about things before crying but as soon as I heard it I began hysterical crying. I couldn't believe it. I told some friends and they couldn't believe it either. I had amazing support from numerous people and I cannot thank them enough for being there for me throughout the time. My mum told me that my dad had collapsed while walking back from the shops and died instantly, the years of kidney failure had eventually taken its toll on his heart and it stopped. A vetinary nurse tried to perform CPR but unfortunately it was too late, he was gone. He died 10 minutes after speaking to me on the phone, I was the last person who spoke to on the phone and every person I tell about it believes that some how I knew. His funeral was December 21st and it was beautiful. His favourite songs were played: You raise me up by Westlife and also Wild Horses by Susan Boyle. I wrote a poem and read it aloud at the funeral service. We had a collection for the dialysis wards at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary and Edinburgh Western General hospital and raised £300 in total. It's been nearly 2 and a half years since my father passed away (3 of my birthdays, 3 of his birthdays, 3 Christmases, 3 new years, 2 father's days.) My father will never be able to see my finish high school, go to university, walk me down the aisle or hold my first child but I know that he is looking down on me constantly. He's my shining star and I really hope that I am doing him proud. Losing my dad has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, I personally believe it's the hardest thing anyone can ever go through but it's made me a much stronger person. People tell me they're so proud of me, of how well I've coped as they wouldn't know what to do, but the truth is...you've just got to. I have more good days than bad now, it's become a lot easier but it will never be easy. It's so hard seeing other people my age and even older who still have both parents. One of my biggest challenges which I feel proud of overcoming is going to my friend's houses who's dad is there. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done but one thing I am proud of is the fact that through it all I can smile and remember my dad for the amazing and strong man he truly was <3
My Bullying Story...
Bullying happens to most people at some point in their lives and I know I am not alone when I tell my story, because many have a similar story and experience. Through my nearly 7 years of bullying, I have comfort ate, stopped eating, made myself sick to stop myself gaining weight, I've developed depression, nightmares, a lack of trust in people, a low self esteem, these are real consequences of bullying, think before you say something to someone.
I was a happy child, always smiling and laughing, I didn't have a care in the world. I had loads of friends, people liked me and enjoyed being with me. That all changed when I reached 12 years old and moved up to high school.
My first high school I went to, was a really small one. There was only 15 people in each year and as you can imagine, if you fell out with one person everyone hated you. Nobody in the class really liked me, I felt really alone. I was called names, I was pushed, I had the sleeves of my school jumper tied around a pole and the head mistress had to come un-tie me. I had my shoes and pencil case chucked on the school roof, a boy dug his nails really hard into my hands and I had marks for weeks. I hated the school and it was getting me down and making me miserable. My mum decided to move me to a slightly bigger school to start my second year of high school.
Moving to my new school, I really thought it would be a fresh new start, where I'd meet new people and be happy, I couldn't have been more wrong. After a week of being at the school it started all over again, but this time worse. There was one person in particular who made my life a living hell for 3 years and wouldn't stop at anything. Everyday he'd make some comment or do something to make me upset. His favourite insult was calling me a beached whale, it made me feel depressed and down, I hated my weight but he was just making things worse. It turned into a vicious cycle where I'd comfort eat to try and hide the pain, then when that didn't work I stopped eating to try and loose weight. I couldn't even stand at the bus stop without people making comments, at one point someone picked up a crisp packet off the ground and shoved it into my face telling me to go eat like the pig I was. Nobody stuck up for me, everybody laughed and found it funny. I tried not to show it hurt me but I couldn't help it. They wouldn't leave me alone. I told my mum who got in touch with the school but even then it didn't stop, it just got worse, he'd pick on me more, everytime I walked past him. I used to be allergic to food colouring and for a laugh he poured it onto me, I got sick and had to go home because I was covered in a rash. He didn't stop at anything, I realised he'd gone too far when he pushed me into the middle of the road when there was a bus and cars coming. His mum was called into the school but that made things worse. After that meeting he posted on facebook pictures of really overweight people that had been photoshopped and tagged me in them, everyone saw them and laughed and made fun of me. People said it was my fault, that I deserved it because of how fat I was. I got really scared about going to school because of what they'd do. Other boys started trying to push me downstairs, one boy even went as far as to cut of some of my hair. When I was nearly 15 I got my first proper boyfriend, who went to school with me, it made me really happy and he made me feel beautiful. He told me everyday that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. People made fun of me for it though, you see he had a form of autism and everyone thought he was weird. I was told "You choose him or having friends" I couldn't believe people would make you do that, I choose him because he was the only person who'd ever been properly nice to me. He called me babe a lot and when the boys in class heard that they started calling me a fat pig. In P.E they stole my clothes and started parading them about school, showing everyone how big they were, it made me cry. Someone who was meant to be my friend told me "If you were nicer then maybe people would like you" but I'd been nice and they didn't like me. I asked my mum if I could move schools and she agreed, it was hard moving school towards the end of high school but I really needed to. The bullying drove me and my boyfriend apart, I couldn't cope with the names people were calling him because of me. I moved schools, but I still heard the things people said. When my dad died, one girl said that I needed to stop being such an attention seeker and get over it. I didn't understand what I'd ever done wrong.
I moved to the school I'm at just now over 2 years ago, I made some friends and I seemed happy. I had a best friend, who I told everything to, unfortunately though she wasn't too great at keeping her mouth shut, she also told malicious lies and spread rumors about me. She told people that my dad was alive, I lied about him dying to get attention, she also told people I lied about being in the hospital and being ill, I just skived school all the time. She told people I'd been pregnant on nine occasions and I'd had 5 abortions, which was really not true as I've never been pregnant before in my life. She also said that I was infertile so she was going to have sex with my boyfriend and have my his baby. I couldn't believe all the stuff she was coming out with, all the while people believed her. It made me cry a lot. She eventually left school, but the consequences for me still haunt me everyday, no one wants to be my friend or talk to me because they think it's true what she said. I hate it but I live with it, because I know the truth about everything and if people choose to believe stupid lies and rumors like that then they're idiots. I've lost my ability to trust people, and I find it increasingly hard to make friends now because I always get hurt. I wish it was easier but I always try and remain strong. I've been rushed to hospital over 200 times in nearly 4 years, I've been to resusitation more times than I can count, I've nearly stopped breathing on several occasions yet they still don't believe me. I have to take one inhaler, 11 tablets and 4 breathings treatments per day, and that's just when I'm well, when I'm unwell it all goes up in numbers, yet still they don't believe me. I've nearly died before and yet still people think that all it is a case of is you take an inhaler and then you're fine, if only it were that simple...
Always remember that no matter what you're not alone, I'm always here for you
I was a happy child, always smiling and laughing, I didn't have a care in the world. I had loads of friends, people liked me and enjoyed being with me. That all changed when I reached 12 years old and moved up to high school.
My first high school I went to, was a really small one. There was only 15 people in each year and as you can imagine, if you fell out with one person everyone hated you. Nobody in the class really liked me, I felt really alone. I was called names, I was pushed, I had the sleeves of my school jumper tied around a pole and the head mistress had to come un-tie me. I had my shoes and pencil case chucked on the school roof, a boy dug his nails really hard into my hands and I had marks for weeks. I hated the school and it was getting me down and making me miserable. My mum decided to move me to a slightly bigger school to start my second year of high school.
Moving to my new school, I really thought it would be a fresh new start, where I'd meet new people and be happy, I couldn't have been more wrong. After a week of being at the school it started all over again, but this time worse. There was one person in particular who made my life a living hell for 3 years and wouldn't stop at anything. Everyday he'd make some comment or do something to make me upset. His favourite insult was calling me a beached whale, it made me feel depressed and down, I hated my weight but he was just making things worse. It turned into a vicious cycle where I'd comfort eat to try and hide the pain, then when that didn't work I stopped eating to try and loose weight. I couldn't even stand at the bus stop without people making comments, at one point someone picked up a crisp packet off the ground and shoved it into my face telling me to go eat like the pig I was. Nobody stuck up for me, everybody laughed and found it funny. I tried not to show it hurt me but I couldn't help it. They wouldn't leave me alone. I told my mum who got in touch with the school but even then it didn't stop, it just got worse, he'd pick on me more, everytime I walked past him. I used to be allergic to food colouring and for a laugh he poured it onto me, I got sick and had to go home because I was covered in a rash. He didn't stop at anything, I realised he'd gone too far when he pushed me into the middle of the road when there was a bus and cars coming. His mum was called into the school but that made things worse. After that meeting he posted on facebook pictures of really overweight people that had been photoshopped and tagged me in them, everyone saw them and laughed and made fun of me. People said it was my fault, that I deserved it because of how fat I was. I got really scared about going to school because of what they'd do. Other boys started trying to push me downstairs, one boy even went as far as to cut of some of my hair. When I was nearly 15 I got my first proper boyfriend, who went to school with me, it made me really happy and he made me feel beautiful. He told me everyday that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. People made fun of me for it though, you see he had a form of autism and everyone thought he was weird. I was told "You choose him or having friends" I couldn't believe people would make you do that, I choose him because he was the only person who'd ever been properly nice to me. He called me babe a lot and when the boys in class heard that they started calling me a fat pig. In P.E they stole my clothes and started parading them about school, showing everyone how big they were, it made me cry. Someone who was meant to be my friend told me "If you were nicer then maybe people would like you" but I'd been nice and they didn't like me. I asked my mum if I could move schools and she agreed, it was hard moving school towards the end of high school but I really needed to. The bullying drove me and my boyfriend apart, I couldn't cope with the names people were calling him because of me. I moved schools, but I still heard the things people said. When my dad died, one girl said that I needed to stop being such an attention seeker and get over it. I didn't understand what I'd ever done wrong.
I moved to the school I'm at just now over 2 years ago, I made some friends and I seemed happy. I had a best friend, who I told everything to, unfortunately though she wasn't too great at keeping her mouth shut, she also told malicious lies and spread rumors about me. She told people that my dad was alive, I lied about him dying to get attention, she also told people I lied about being in the hospital and being ill, I just skived school all the time. She told people I'd been pregnant on nine occasions and I'd had 5 abortions, which was really not true as I've never been pregnant before in my life. She also said that I was infertile so she was going to have sex with my boyfriend and have my his baby. I couldn't believe all the stuff she was coming out with, all the while people believed her. It made me cry a lot. She eventually left school, but the consequences for me still haunt me everyday, no one wants to be my friend or talk to me because they think it's true what she said. I hate it but I live with it, because I know the truth about everything and if people choose to believe stupid lies and rumors like that then they're idiots. I've lost my ability to trust people, and I find it increasingly hard to make friends now because I always get hurt. I wish it was easier but I always try and remain strong. I've been rushed to hospital over 200 times in nearly 4 years, I've been to resusitation more times than I can count, I've nearly stopped breathing on several occasions yet they still don't believe me. I have to take one inhaler, 11 tablets and 4 breathings treatments per day, and that's just when I'm well, when I'm unwell it all goes up in numbers, yet still they don't believe me. I've nearly died before and yet still people think that all it is a case of is you take an inhaler and then you're fine, if only it were that simple...
Always remember that no matter what you're not alone, I'm always here for you
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