Medical updates

So I've been doing a terrible job with keeping up to date on my blogging so I thought I'd give people an update.

I've been in and out of the hospital for various reasons, mostly asthma attacks, but I did also spend a week on the Gynecology ward of the hospital due to having severe stomach pains which unfortunately they never found a cause for but fortunately they never came back. I've also had a few allergic reactions, one of which landed my in high dependency of the hospital.

To explain more. I was admitted to Gynecology for a week due to the mysterious stomach pains and they were trying to get my pain under control so were trying different medications. I was originally on oral morphine but because of how addictive it can be they decided to wean me off it which I was very happy about because the side effects of feeling tired and all woozy. They wanted to try me on a drug called 'amitriptyline' which is used for a lot of things including pain relief. Due to my history with really bad allergic reactions they wanted to monitor me overnight before discharging me as I'd never taken the drug before. The drug is taken at night as it's also used as a sleeping tablet. They gave it to me at about 10pm and I was absolutely fine, sitting watching an episode of Season One ER. By about 10:20pm I began to feel like an allergic reaction was coming on. I felt itchy, more breathless than usual, coughing more than usual, my chest felt tight, the inside of my mouth felt really itchy and my lips felt tingly. I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin was covered in red blotches, my lips, cheeks and eyes were puffy and swelling and I began to have difficulty breathing with an audible wheeze. I walked back to my bed and pressed the call button to get the nurse. A CSW came and I explained I was having an allergic reaction. She got the nurse who then got a doctor (strangely enough the same doctor who had admitted me). The doctor told me to take my epi-pen and she listened to my chest. She told the nurse to put out a 2222 call (it's an emergency call). They then got the crash cart and doctors and other nurses began to flood the room. They called anesthesiology and 3 of them appeared, they then called ICU. Altogether there were 10 doctors, 5 nurses, 4 ICU staff and 3 anesthesiologists. They gave me more adrenaline (IM into my arm this time) and more Salbuttomal nebulisers. They then got the portable monitor, oxygen and wheeled me downstairs a floor to the anesthetic room as they said they feared they were going to have to ventilate me. Luckily after about an hour I began to come around and respond to all the medication. I began to be able to breathe more freely and felt less anxious. Where any condition that affects your breathing is concerned the moment they call for ICU and mention ventilation the panic begins to set in and you often fear that you may never wake up again (or at least that's how it's for me). ICU said my numbers were looking better so I didn't need to be admitted to them but I did need further monitoring so was admitted to HDU (High dependency) overnight to be kept monitored. After a night I was discharged back to the ward where after another night I was discharged from the hospital. So now I have a further allergy to add to my ever-growing list, it's really difficult for me where they're concerned but I guess it's something I've just had to grow accustomed to.

On a different note my asthma didn't bother me for a total of 7 weeks (this is some what of a record for me as my asthma used to cause me to be hospitalised at least 2 times a month for days to a week at a time). During my second last admission due to asthma problems (around about 3 weeks ago now) something a lot more drastic and a lot scarier (in my opinion) happened to me. I was admitted for a night to the assessment unit and discharged, I had to then go back in because my breathing had worsened and I couldn't speak in complete sentences. The hospital was struggling for beds but my mum and the second A&E doctor felt I shouldn't have been discharged in the first place. After a second night in the assessment unit I was admitted to Ward 204, the respiratory ward, my usual place of residence within the hospital. I was doing okay, I was actually starting to get a lot better. After 2 nights there I was getting ready to be discharged the next day, everything was looking up. Then everything went down hill (I guess that's how it works where health conditions are concerned really). I ate dinner and was sitting watching an episode of House MD on my laptop waiting on my mum coming in. I began to feel a bit strange, dizzy, almost like I wasn't completely with it. My mum came in and I asked her to get a sick bowl for me as I was beginning to feel sick and also if the nurse could get me an anti-sickness tablet. She got me a sick bowl and I said I felt dizzy. She suggested going to the toilet in case I was sick. I went and was sick a little then got up to walk back. The world was spinning round and I felt very much like I was going to pass out any second. I walked back, staggering like I was drunk, to my bed and lay down. I was screaming at my mum and crying saying I was going to pass out and I felt dizzy. The next thing I remember is waking up and a nurse saying to be careful as I had a needle in my foot. I then woke back up again and I personally thought I'd fallen asleep and everyone had gone. My mum walked back in and sat down next to me. She said that I'd fallen unconcious and had begun to have a seizure of some sort. She'd got the nurse and when they arrived they'd pulled the emergency button above the bed. They had the crash cart and about 20 different doctors arriving. I can't remember any of it and it really scared me. That night I could barely think straight, I had a banging sore head and I was too dizzy to walk to the toilet so they had to get me a comode whenever I needed (bedside toilet). They had various doctors come see me and even thought about sending me to High dependency or intensive care to be monitored as they weren't sure what caused it. I was referred to the first seizure clinic on discharge from the hospital and I'm awaiting an EEG (brain scan).

I was doing really well until Saturday night. I went to an 18th birthday party for my friends who are twin girls. The night was going great. We were there from 7pm and everything was okay. By 10pm I said to my friends I wanted to stand outside for some fresh air. By 11pm I was in the back of an ambulance. I remember waking up on the ground with someone holding me on my side and police officers asking questions to friend. The paramedics tried to get sense out of me but couldn't get anything much out of me. I was asked many times what drugs I'd taken when the reality is I'd never take drugs and never have taken drugs. The hospital discharged me after 3-4 hours. I was told by the paramedics my friends saw me having what looked very much like a seizure. I now unfortunately fit the diagnosis criteria for epilepsy (it's 2 or more unprovoked, unexplained seizures). The hospital on both occasions could find nothing to explain my seizures, my blood were normal, my temperature normal, nothing wrong with my brain etc. I will be seeing the epilepsy specialist after the New Year to hopefully find out the cause of this as I don't want to have to go through it again. It's really difficult for not only me but others around me. The first time my mum completely broke down, the second time my friends completely broke down. I don't know how many more times I can cause people to break down without it breaking me apart :/

Life updates :)

So I last wrote a blog at the end of May...it's been nearly 3 months. I'm really not doing great with the whole "Write a blog" thing. A lot has happened since my last blog, I know I've said that before but so much more has happened since my last blog it's unreal. I guess it's just now I've finally got a bit of time to just write about everything and reflect on the last few months.

So I wrote a while back about dates I was going on with a guy...that didn't work out. I mean I know I said I thought it might be going somewhere but we no longer speak. I guess that's just a part of growing up, you become close to people and eventually lose contact.

On a different note I achieved what everyone thought I couldn't...I got my place in university. Admittedly I didn't meet my conditional offer of BBBB including higher English but my summer school report got me in :) So September 10th I have my induction day where I start my BA (hons) degree in Psychology and I personally cannot wait :) I've dreamed for ages about going to university, I didn't think I'd make it because of my health problems and how much school I missed but I did and I am really proud of myself, it just goes to show that no matter what you can achieve whatever you put your mind to. In a lot of people's heads my exams results don't look that great, I got a B in German, a C in English, a C in Modern Studies and I failed Maths, but in my mind I am so proud of myself for overcoming every single set back that I faced :)

R.I.P Daddy

 I was 8 years old after going on a family holiday to Florida, within 2 days my dad was rushed to hospital after becoming unconcious and spent over a month in intensive care while they figured out what was wrong. After a week they discovered he had kidney failure in both kidneys. After being flown back to Scotland, doctors at the Royal infirmary diagnosed him with Polycystic kidney disease which caused both of his kidneys to fail. He became reliant on dialysis to keep him alive. At first it was Hemodialysis (performed at the hospital 3 times a week and each treatment takes about 6 hours), he then went onto Peritoneal dialysis which at was performed at home (at first he did it during the day 4 times a day and each treatment took about an hour, then he moved onto night time dialysis which took the entire night) then he was transferred back to hemodiaylsis. Nurses used to call me a mini nurse as from the age of 8 I used to help my dad out with his diaylsis and knew how to set it up and always used to enjoy helping out. Over the 9 years my dad suffered from this condition I saw him go through countless things. I remember vividly my mum having to call ambulances on numerous occasions as he developed peritonitis from his Peritoneal dialysis. As a child I visited the Royal so many times, Ward 206 (Renal ward) became much like a second home to my father. He spent a great deal of time in there and I missed out a great deal of having a dad growing up because of it. When I was 14 years old, late 2008, my father received the call we'd all spent 7 years waiting for, a kidney that matched his blood and tissue type had been found. I was at his house and he came rushing through with tears of joy in his eyes and said to me "They've found me a kidney" it was one of the happiest feelings in my life, things really did seem to be looking up. He went to the hospital that night and went in for the surgery the next morning. I remember telling everyone at school that they'd found my dad a kidney and he was going to be alright. I got home from school and was sitting watching TV. My mum received a phone call from the transplant co-ordinator, he explained over the phone that they tried for hours to transplant the kidney but it was unsuccessful due to problems with the circulation in his legs. After my mum told me my heart sank and I cried. I went to see him in the hospital and the joy and spirit had gone from his eyes. He was in Transplant intensive care and all around him people who'd received life saving transplants surrounded him and he was still sick and having to be on dialysis. It was so hard watching my dad cry. He described it as having life taken away from you in the blink of an eye. It took him months to even begin to get back on track and become the dad I once knew again and it was so difficult seeing him like that. On Monday 6th December 2010 my life changed in a way I never thought I'd experience until I was a lot older. I remember it so vividly. It was the day the snow started to get really bad. I asked to leave school early because I knew if I didn't I would end up stuck in Edinburgh with no way to get home. I don't know why but I decided to phone my dad. 11:30am I phoned my dad and we talked on the phone for 10 minutes about how he was going to take my Christmas shopping on the Wednesday and out for dinner. Before I hung up the phone I told him I loved him, to this day I'll never understand why I phoned him at that precise moment or said I loved him because I never normally did it. I arrived home and things were pretty normal. I remember it was the night of the big live Corronation Street episode, the Tram crash. I was sitting watching it when there was a knock at the door. Looking downstairs I saw two police men. After 15 minutes I walked downstairs and my mum asked me if I knew the number for my two uncles. I said I didn't and went back upstairs. The first thought that hit me was...my mum's getting arrested. After half an hour the police left and my mum came upstairs and asked me to turn to TV off. She said "Nicole I don't know how to tell you this so I'm going to say it, it's your dad, he's dead". I screamed, I cried. I'm not a person who cries on the spot, I have to think about things before crying but as soon as I heard it I began hysterical crying. I couldn't believe it. I told some friends and they couldn't believe it either. I had amazing support from numerous people and I cannot thank them enough for being there for me throughout the time. My mum told me that my dad had collapsed while walking back from the shops and died instantly, the years of kidney failure had eventually taken its toll on his heart and it stopped. A vetinary nurse tried to perform CPR but unfortunately it was too late, he was gone. He died 10 minutes after speaking to me on the phone, I was the last person who spoke to on the phone and every person I tell about it believes that some how I knew. His funeral was December 21st and it was beautiful. His favourite songs were played: You raise me up by Westlife and also Wild Horses by Susan Boyle. I wrote a poem and read it aloud at the funeral service. We had a collection for the dialysis wards at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary and Edinburgh Western General hospital and raised £300 in total. It's been nearly 2 and a half years since my father passed away (3 of my birthdays, 3 of his birthdays, 3 Christmases, 3 new years, 2 father's days.) My father will never be able to see my finish high school, go to university, walk me down the aisle or hold my first child but I know that he is looking down on me constantly. He's my shining star and I really hope that I am doing him proud. Losing my dad has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, I personally believe it's the hardest thing anyone can ever go through but it's made me a much stronger person. People tell me they're so proud of me, of how well I've coped as they wouldn't know what to do, but the truth is...you've just got to. I have more good days than bad now, it's become a lot easier but it will never be easy. It's so hard seeing other people my age and even older who still have both parents. One of my biggest challenges which I feel proud of overcoming is going to my friend's houses who's dad is there. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done but one thing I am proud of is the fact that through it all I can smile and remember my dad for the amazing and strong man he truly was <3

My Bullying Story...

Bullying happens to most people at some point in their lives and I know I am not alone when I tell my story, because many have a similar story and experience. Through my nearly 7 years of bullying, I have comfort ate, stopped eating, made myself sick to stop myself gaining weight, I've developed depression, nightmares, a lack of trust in people, a low self esteem, these are real consequences of bullying, think before you say something to someone.

I was a happy child, always smiling and laughing, I didn't have a care in the world. I had loads of friends, people liked me and enjoyed being with me. That all changed when I reached 12 years old and moved up to high school.

My first high school I went to, was a really small one. There was only 15 people in each year and as you can imagine, if you fell out with one person everyone hated you. Nobody in the class really liked me, I felt really alone. I was called names, I was pushed, I had the sleeves of my school jumper tied around a pole and the head mistress had to come un-tie me. I had my shoes and pencil case chucked on the school roof, a boy dug his nails really hard into my hands and I had marks for weeks. I hated the school and it was getting me down and making me miserable. My mum decided to move me to a slightly bigger school to start my second year of high school.

Moving to my new school, I really thought it would be a fresh new start, where I'd meet new people and be happy, I couldn't have been more wrong. After a week of being at the school it started all over again, but this time worse. There was one person in particular who made my life a living hell for 3 years and wouldn't stop at anything. Everyday he'd make some comment or do something to make me upset. His favourite insult was calling me a beached whale, it made me feel depressed and down, I hated my weight but he was just making things worse. It turned into a vicious cycle where I'd comfort eat to try and hide the pain, then when that didn't work I stopped eating to try and loose weight. I couldn't even stand at the bus stop without people making comments, at one point someone picked up a crisp packet off the ground and shoved it into my face telling me to go eat like the pig I was. Nobody stuck up for me, everybody laughed and found it funny. I tried not to show it hurt me but I couldn't help it. They wouldn't leave me alone. I told my mum who got in touch with the school but even then it didn't stop, it just got worse, he'd pick on me more, everytime I walked past him. I used to be allergic to food colouring and for a laugh he poured it onto me, I got sick and had to go home because I was covered in a rash. He didn't stop at anything, I realised he'd gone too far when he pushed me into the middle of the road when there was a bus and cars coming. His mum was called into the school but that made things worse. After that meeting he posted on facebook pictures of really overweight people that had been photoshopped and tagged me in them, everyone saw them and laughed and made fun of me. People said it was my fault, that I deserved it because of how fat I was. I got really scared about going to school because of what they'd do. Other boys started trying to push me downstairs, one boy even went as far as to cut of some of my hair. When I was nearly 15 I got my first proper boyfriend, who went to school with me, it made me really happy and he made me feel beautiful. He told me everyday that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. People made fun of me for it though, you see he had a form of autism and everyone thought he was weird. I was told "You choose him or having friends" I couldn't believe people would make you do that, I choose him because he was the only person who'd ever been properly nice to me. He called me babe a lot and when the boys in class heard that they started calling me a fat pig. In P.E they stole my clothes and started parading them about school, showing everyone how big they were, it made me cry. Someone who was meant to be my friend told me "If you were nicer then maybe people would like you" but I'd been nice and they didn't like me. I asked my mum if I could move schools and she agreed, it was hard moving school towards the end of high school but I really needed to. The bullying drove me and my boyfriend apart, I couldn't cope with the names people were calling him because of me. I moved schools, but I still heard the things people said. When my dad died, one girl said that I needed to stop being such an attention seeker and get over it. I didn't understand what I'd ever done wrong.

I moved to the school I'm at just now over 2 years ago, I made some friends and I seemed happy. I had a best friend, who I told everything to, unfortunately though she wasn't too great at keeping her mouth shut, she also told malicious lies and spread rumors about me. She told people that my dad was alive, I lied about him dying to get attention, she also told people I lied about being in the hospital and being ill, I just skived school all the time. She told people I'd been pregnant on nine occasions and I'd had 5 abortions, which was really not true as I've never been pregnant before in my life. She also said that I was infertile so she was going to have sex with my boyfriend and have my his baby. I couldn't believe all the stuff she was coming out with, all the while people believed her. It made me cry a lot. She eventually left school, but the consequences for me still haunt me everyday, no one wants to be my friend or talk to me because they think it's true what she said. I hate it but I live with it, because I know the truth about everything and if people choose to believe stupid lies and rumors like that then they're idiots. I've lost my ability to trust people, and I find it increasingly hard to make friends now because I always get hurt. I wish it was easier but I always try and remain strong. I've been rushed to hospital over 200 times in nearly 4 years, I've been to resusitation more times than I can count, I've nearly stopped breathing on several occasions yet they still don't believe me. I have to take one inhaler, 11 tablets and 4 breathings treatments per day, and that's just when I'm well, when I'm unwell it all goes up in numbers, yet still they don't believe me. I've nearly died before and yet still people think that all it is a case of is you take an inhaler and then you're fine, if only it were that simple...

Always remember that no matter what you're not alone, I'm always here for you

Random post...

A lots happened since I last posted...it may have only been just over 2 weeks ago but a lot has happened, some of which I will talk about and some of which isn't suitable to be posted all over the internet, and also because I know who's probably gonna read this so I don't wanna write a whole load of stuff about it for them to read.

I had a really scary hospital experience not last Sunday but the Sunday before...I was rushed into resuscitation unable to breathe and had to spend an overall 5 nights in the hospital, 2 of which were spent in the High Dependency Unit. I had a really bad infection which was similar to pneumonia but luckily it's now all cleared up :) My life's been pretty topsy turvey really, I've not really had a moment to sanely think hence why I'm now writing a blog, to let out my feelings. They told me at one point they were going to put me to sleep and that was really scary...I kept thinking over and over in my mind "I'm never going to see him again" by him I don't mean my best friend, or the guy I was going on dates with...I mean Mitchell, the one I wrote a blog post about earlier on in March. Yeah I know strange thought but if you understood what was going on in my mind then you'd fully understand but my mind isn't really a place anyone wants to be. It even confuses me at times...


On another note, this is a positive one though, I got back on my English course :) The letter from my mum to the school did the trick and I'm allowed to sit the exam which is great, it means I have a chance of going to University again :)






Sometimes I look back at the last few months and wonder where has the time gone...I think about how much my life's changed even in a short few months. I've met new people, lost contact with others, nearly finished school, failed prelims and been to the hospital dozens of times...I'll never understand the reason behind why people do a lot of things, I never do understand why or how people can tell someone to go die and expect them to be alright afterwards...

Special needs playscheme, dates with a boy and more :)

So I've not written a blog post since Saturday...wow that certainly is a long period of time considering I was writing at least once a day. So nothing much has changed in the past 4 days...minus it's now the Easter holidays. I'm spending most of it helping out at a playscheme for children who have special needs :) It's great fun and it's such a rewarding thing to do, whenever people find out I do it they always say what an amazing thing it is I'm doing, making even a slight bit of difference to a child's life. Helping out at the playscheme is where I've learned that so many people are worse off than me, yet they can still smile. I see children with any range of special needs and sometimes it makes you want to cry, because you can see through they're smiles that they're suffering. You get really attached to the children, even though a lot of them can't talk or communicate with you, it still is amazing to see them smile and giggle like any other child. I've made a lot of friends through working at the playscheme, and even though we only see each other during the holiday playschemes whenever we do it, it feels like we've never been apart and we chat away about all sorts. It's such a great experience and a great thing to do and I plan to continue on doing it.

On another matter I went on a second date with a guy :) I totally forgot to write a blog about my first date with him so I guess I'll just start there...no on second thoughts I'll start from the very beginning.

So I'd had a bit too much to drink and randomly added him on facebook because I thought he was cute...yes I do weirdo things like this but that's just me :P So he accepted and we talked the next day and he gave me his number and we talked a lot, getting to no each other. We agreed to meet up and go on a date, even if it didn't work out it would still be nice to meet each other in person. We agreed to go to the cinema to go see Side Effects, it was my choice of movie, and go for drinks beforehand. So last Monday we met up at the cinema, bought tickets and went to the pub for drinks. We never even go I.D'd...I dunno whether to take it as a compliment as it kinda means that I look 25...but anyway I've been sidetracked back to the date. So we sat in the pub for half an hour and chatted over drinks about all sorts, there was never an awkward moment which is always a good thing. Then we went to into the cinema and sat up the very back. The movie started and it was a great movie, lasted about 2 and a half hours, but well worth it. During the film I put my head on his shoulder and he took hold of my hand and held it. It gave me butterflies in my tummy and I smiled. He kissed me head and then kissed my hand...and then kissed me :) It was amazing, it made me smile a lot. So after the movie we got the same bus, but he got off before me and he went home.

Our second date was last night and it was just as if not more successful than the first one. We went to the cinema again and to the pub, this time it was Identity Theft which was his choice of movie...man I've never laughed so much in my life before, it was such a funny and great movie, I definitely recommend it :) So when I first saw him he gave me this massive cuddle. When I was in the hospital the other day he got really worried about me and scared that I was going to die...it was cute that he was worried, not because he was worried but because it showed he cared :) Then we went to the pub and chatted again for half an hour :) I forgot to mention...he makes fun of my choice of drink...yes I ordered a cherry V.K and he's right when he says 14 year olds drink it but so who cares :P cause yolo ;) okay forget I just said that...I'm never saying that again. So anyway back to the date :) After the pub we went to the cinema and he took my hand before the movie even started this time and I put my head on his shoulder. I spent the entire moving cuddling him :) There was one point where there was a snake...and I HATE snakes so I hid haha, he smiled at me finding it funny. After the cinema we walked to the bus stop and he held my hand on the way to the bus stop. At the bus stop we waited for the bus and I was cold so he cuddled me trying to keep me warm :P the bus came and we got on and when he went to get off his kissed me goodbye :)

So we've arranged another date...which is either gonna be going out for dinner or just watching a movie at either one of our houses :) I don't know what lies ahead...after all I have only met him twice but I can say this, he makes me really happy, he makes me smile, he's lovely and he's NOT just using me for sex. I'm glad I added him on facebook :) Even if it does make me seem like a creep :P So I'll keep you all updated on the boy front but for now I've got to go do this German past paper that I spent 30 minutes just starring at...wish me luck :p

Breathing...that essential part of life that I can't even get right...

I seem to be getting into blogging a lot more of late, I guess it's just because I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Today something quite bad happened...my mum received a letter from my school that stated "Due to Nicole's results in the English prelim she will be with drawn from the course so as to focus on her other subjects." just like that in BIG BOLD letters. I read it over and over again hoping the words would change but they still haven't done.

It's all because I wasn't there yesterday to hand in two pieces of course work...yes I get that they're a vital part of the course but I was seriously ill...I had my second worst asthma attack ever on Wednesday night and quite frankly English was the last thing on my mind...I was reviewed by intensive care doctor's and everything, it's not like I'm even over-exaggerating...god I wish I was but I'm really not. I spent 3 hours in resuscitation which has gotta be some sort of record. It was so scary...I still managed to smile though, I felt like I'd run 4 different marathons my body was so exhausted by the end of it. Not breathing is the scariest thing I've ever been through and I hate the fact that I have to go through it time and time again and not many people get it. Not the doctors...not my mum...not my friends...not my teachers...even I myself don't get it. I struggle a lot with it, everyone says I'm a strong person but right now I'm admitting to you that I'm really not, inside I'm anything but a strong person, I guess I just put on a brave face for other people. Does that make me a weak person? No it doesn't...it certainly doesn't make me a strong person though.

I need 4 exam results this academic year to be able to fulfill the conditional offers for my university conditionals...I'm still waiting to hear back from 3 universities out of the 5 I've applied for. I applied for 2 courses of psychology and 3 of primary education. I've heard back from both psychology courses, both giving me a conditional offer: one of BBBB and the other of 280 UCAS points which amounts to about BBBC. I'm waiting to hear back from all 3 primary education courses, but all of them need at least a C in higher English which just has to be the subject which my school decides to drop me from. I'm trying really hard, I really am, I'm revising it's not my fault I'm never in class. If I could I would go to class rather than be sick because in reality I HATE being ill, I feel like it's my fault even though it's not but it feels to me like the school is punishing me for something which is clearly out with of my control...

My life is hard enough without them making it so much harder, I know so many people are worse off and after all this isn't a competition to determine who has the hardest life but I know for a fact that I have a worse life than a lot of people I know. I have a home, loving family and friends...but I don't have my health and the ability to breathe properly which is something which every single human being is entitled to have...the ability to breathe freely. It feels like I fail in everything, I mean come on breathing...one of the most essential parts of life and I can't even get that right...I'm gonna end this now as I feel my little rant is over and I've managed to get out some of my emotions and anger so bye for now...look for another post soon :)

My best friend and love?

When I was 14 years old I met someone who has influenced my life a lot. His name is James Innes Cameron and well he is such an amazing boy :) We've had our ups, and we've had ours downs but he truly is one of the only people I can fully trust nowadays. He's always there to pick me up whenever I need someone and doesn't even hesitate. We may not live near each other, he lives in the Scottish borders and me in East Lothian, but he's still one of my greatest and best friends ever. We have amazing memories together and he truly is someone who can always make me smile and laugh no matter what :)

It doesn't matter what James has always been there. He was the first boy to ever make me feel love...he used to call me "the most beautiful girl in the world" and it always used to make me smile no matter what I was going through. We were together for eight months and I guess just being immature at 15 things ended but at least we got through it and we've become great friends out of it all :) I wouldn't give up James for anything and no matter what happens between us I want him to always be in my life. He's supported me through everything, he's saved me from doing stupid things, he's picked me up when I've been thrown down by everyone else...he's truly the best friend anyone could ask for.

I can't even begin to describe just how much me and James have been through together...I kept a diary when we were together and also when we split up so I figured I'll write some of that stuff down :)

Friday 25th January 2009: 
OMG! I can't believe what happened today. The new guy in my class James and me are going out!!! All thanks to Andrew in PSE! Oh yeah I got James's number today! He text me back and it was really cute!

Saturday 7th February 2009:
Today was my birthday party but was also the most magical day of my life so far! We were in the dark of laser quest and it happened! I KISSED JAMES! OMG! It was amazing!

Saturday 28th February 2009: 
Today I went on my first official date with James! We went to the cinema and saw Slumdog Millionaire! It was a really good film. We held hands for ages and he rubbed circles on the back of my hand. It felt so good! I was actually frozen to the spot and couldn't move it was that amazing. We kissed again today and I just wished that the moment could have lasted forever.

Okay...so I was a lovely immature little 15 year old girl who thought she was in love, I look back and smile because I was genuinely happy :) Even if it's really cheesy stuff :P Then you get to the things I wrote when we broke up...and it's back to sad stuff again :/

Writing it's a good way of spending time, you can let your emotions spill out onto paper and no one will question you. It's good to to write things down so you can let other people know what emotions and feelings that you can't tell them. I guess from the moment I laid eyes on him something was bound to go wrong...He was tall with sandy blonde hair and baby blue eyes. I didn't even like him at first...not even as a friend...so I guess it's alright for me to sit and wonder how I got from the point of not even liking him to being fully and madly in love with him. After that first week of my two friends going up to him asking him out for me, I can only assume that he got tired and said yes like most people would. Okay maybe the first two weeks were awkward, I mean we didn't know basically anything about each other and then bam we were together. The magical bit came with our first kiss...it was my birthday party and we kissed. I had never felt anything like it before. It felt strange but I didn't want it to end at the same time as it felt amazing. Everything seemed to be going so right, he was the most amazing guy I had ever met and he treated me the way I had always wanted boys to treat me. I remember the first time he said I love you to me, at that moment I knew there was no escaping. I needed to be with him, I lavished the very thought of him. I dreamt about seeing him and even today the dreams and visions seem so real...I loved him and he loved me, everything was going in the right direction. You always dream about one day finding your prince charming who will come and sweep you off your feet and find the direct road to your heart. I had found my fairytale prince and I was his princess, I never did want to change him and even now I still don't because he is perfect in so many ways. The memories of the time we had together flood my eyes like tears. They are a constant reminder of what once was but what no longer is and that's the worst part about it, never hearing him say I love you again, or never hearing him call me the most beautiful girl on earth. I don't know if he still loves me...I pray to god he does, but I will understand if he doesn't. I think if he does find someone else...then i just hope it's not someone I know as it's bad enough to see the person you love with someone else but when it's someone you know then that's when the line is drawn...

There's pages and pages of things like this written in a diary...these are just the first few so from what you've read you can clearly see this boy meant and still does mean a lot to me. I just don't want to lose him, or hurt him like I did in the past or ruin our friendship because what we have at the moment is something so special and I never want to lose it or him...

First impressions last a lifetime...she's still my best friend through it all!

My best friends name is Joann Wilson and she's 17 years old. We've known each other for the best part for 5 years but we didn't actually meet until last year.

Let's just say her first impressions of me weren't the greatest...and as I've always been told first impressions last a life time but I guess she found it more funny than anything. She walked into the flat to find me with my head over a toilet...a toilet which I later on went to break accidently, I swear it was an accident :p I'd had maybe just a wee bit too much to drink...okay that's a lie, I had 4 drinks (2 glasses of home-made cider and 2 glasses of red wine...this is why I now HATE red wine with a passion :P) then afterwards spent the next 4 hours with my head over the toilet spewing...I never did get the Mcdonald's like was planned and I was gutted :/ I learned from that experience...and now you probably think I'm the biggest lightweight out there...well I'm a lightweight but never as bad as that, I'd just had my appendix out and was on two very strong antibiotics and let's just say I've learned NEVER to mix them with drink again.

Anyway I've slightly drifted off topic. Joann is my best friend and nobody or nothing can change that. We've had our ups...and of course like most friendships our downs but throughout it all we've come out a lot stronger. People think we're mental...and to be honest I don't blame them. Whenever we go to Tesco's we always walk around without shoes on...it's weird we don't get many strange looks for it :P We also go on random 10 miles walks when we're bored...then have a well deserved chippy afterwards!

Joann always makes me smile, it doesn't matter what she can always make me smile, practically wet myself. She's a lovely person but man...when  you piss her off you PISS HER OFF! She goes mental :P I find it funny sometimes when she's having a wee rant about someone. We have wee bitching sessions about people who're pissing us off at that moment in time...we even have some strange names for people too, probably so most sane people don't get what we're on about. I love her wee rants :) They always cheer me up and make me smile. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves but in the end a cuddle always makes it better. Once we were having a really bad time and I went to sleep and we'd argued and woke up to her having sent me a picture with "I need you more than you think" written on it. I randomly started crying...man I got some weirdo looks but I was happy we were friends again :)

We go on wee trips to Asda and Tesco, wee Mcdonald dates...most of the time with her boyfriend Martyn. We have fun, I mean we're both weird but I'd be scared if she was normal :P

Another thing about Joann...probably the coolest thing ever! She is fluent in sign language and teaches me all the bad words :P She's a really strong person, who battles through everything with a big smile on her face :) She's been through a lot and yet she's still strong. She never gives up, and if she does want to I'm always there to try pick her up again. She does that with me too, she's always at the end of the phone when I need her, she's always just a bus ride away too. She never does let me down, she posts statuses on facebook to make me smile and listen's to my rants most of them about how guys are twats...when I say that most of the ones I know are, MOST not ALL! She's a genuine friend and I could never ask for someone else, she's like my sister :)

Joann drunk...well that's another story. She lay on my kitchen floor and smelled it telling me that it smelled nice...she lay under my kitchen table and tried to fall asleep. Me and her both serenaded her boyfriend and each other with several songs. We peed together...yes I needed to declare that to the internet :P We both sat chatting in the bathroom while she went for a pee! Proves we're best friends though..we're at that stage in our relationship.



Overall Joann is an amazing lass. She's beautiful both inside and out and she never lets me down. She's a friend for life and I hope to never loose her <3

So there's this guy...

So basically I met this guy...3 months ago. We met online but he's not one of those really creepy old men who go online to find underage girls...he's genuinely an 18 year old guy. He is pretty awesome: he plays basketball and badminton, he goes to university-the smart arse he is-, he never lets you down and he doesn't like taking compliments no matter how hard you try.

I'll start from the start. I met him through Ask.fm...yeah I got bored one day and followed him...then stalked his facebook...but he doesn't need to know that...oh and followed him on Twitter. So after about a month of talking we eventually agreed to meet up. He was just as he'd portrayed himself online and through text, the same caring person who could make me smile :) He however even now still has a thing for teasing me about my walking speed...yes I walk like a elderly snail but hey ho...He's really caring, really nice and just genuine.
So I really really liked this guy...and well I did what most other people couldn't do...tell him and his reaction was...pretty normal, he was calm and was like "Hey least you could admit it"

So fast-forward to now and where are we? Well he's currently in a skype call...waiting for the link to this blog so I ummmm...better not saying anything I shouldn't ;), we talk quite a lot through text, on the phone and now skype :) Our relationship has changed a lot but I'd still regard him as one of my closest friends, we've known each other for 3 months but he's the type of person who doesn't judge you and you feel like you could tell your whole life story to. He cares...sometimes too much, which is a good thing...or at least I think. He's an amazing person and I wish he could see himself for the person he truly is but he doesn't realise just how great he is. He makes me smile a lot, with a lot of his tweets which often get re-tweeted on my twitter and he makes me laugh too...2 great skills which will be of good use to him when finding a girl :p

A lot of stuff's happened between us in the past 3 months, we've had our ups...and our downs and he even stopped talking to me for a while. I don't blame him it was my fault.

My problem now though is I dunno what to do...I love him and everything about him...god help me! We've discussed a lot together and well he doesn't  want a relationship and I totally respect him for it, I'd not give up what we have for anything in the world. He means a lot to me and no matter what he always will. He's a great guy...one of the best out there and unfortunately for him he's not getting rid of me that easily :P

So there's this guy who's funny, sweet, a lovely smile and great looking...yet he doesn't see that. He's an amazing guy, someone I'm so happy to be able to call my friend and who's a genuine friend for life :)