Breathing...that essential part of life that I can't even get right...

I seem to be getting into blogging a lot more of late, I guess it's just because I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Today something quite bad happened...my mum received a letter from my school that stated "Due to Nicole's results in the English prelim she will be with drawn from the course so as to focus on her other subjects." just like that in BIG BOLD letters. I read it over and over again hoping the words would change but they still haven't done.

It's all because I wasn't there yesterday to hand in two pieces of course work...yes I get that they're a vital part of the course but I was seriously ill...I had my second worst asthma attack ever on Wednesday night and quite frankly English was the last thing on my mind...I was reviewed by intensive care doctor's and everything, it's not like I'm even over-exaggerating...god I wish I was but I'm really not. I spent 3 hours in resuscitation which has gotta be some sort of record. It was so scary...I still managed to smile though, I felt like I'd run 4 different marathons my body was so exhausted by the end of it. Not breathing is the scariest thing I've ever been through and I hate the fact that I have to go through it time and time again and not many people get it. Not the doctors...not my mum...not my friends...not my teachers...even I myself don't get it. I struggle a lot with it, everyone says I'm a strong person but right now I'm admitting to you that I'm really not, inside I'm anything but a strong person, I guess I just put on a brave face for other people. Does that make me a weak person? No it doesn't...it certainly doesn't make me a strong person though.

I need 4 exam results this academic year to be able to fulfill the conditional offers for my university conditionals...I'm still waiting to hear back from 3 universities out of the 5 I've applied for. I applied for 2 courses of psychology and 3 of primary education. I've heard back from both psychology courses, both giving me a conditional offer: one of BBBB and the other of 280 UCAS points which amounts to about BBBC. I'm waiting to hear back from all 3 primary education courses, but all of them need at least a C in higher English which just has to be the subject which my school decides to drop me from. I'm trying really hard, I really am, I'm revising it's not my fault I'm never in class. If I could I would go to class rather than be sick because in reality I HATE being ill, I feel like it's my fault even though it's not but it feels to me like the school is punishing me for something which is clearly out with of my control...

My life is hard enough without them making it so much harder, I know so many people are worse off and after all this isn't a competition to determine who has the hardest life but I know for a fact that I have a worse life than a lot of people I know. I have a home, loving family and friends...but I don't have my health and the ability to breathe properly which is something which every single human being is entitled to have...the ability to breathe freely. It feels like I fail in everything, I mean come on breathing...one of the most essential parts of life and I can't even get that right...I'm gonna end this now as I feel my little rant is over and I've managed to get out some of my emotions and anger so bye for now...look for another post soon :)