Special needs playscheme, dates with a boy and more :)

So I've not written a blog post since Saturday...wow that certainly is a long period of time considering I was writing at least once a day. So nothing much has changed in the past 4 days...minus it's now the Easter holidays. I'm spending most of it helping out at a playscheme for children who have special needs :) It's great fun and it's such a rewarding thing to do, whenever people find out I do it they always say what an amazing thing it is I'm doing, making even a slight bit of difference to a child's life. Helping out at the playscheme is where I've learned that so many people are worse off than me, yet they can still smile. I see children with any range of special needs and sometimes it makes you want to cry, because you can see through they're smiles that they're suffering. You get really attached to the children, even though a lot of them can't talk or communicate with you, it still is amazing to see them smile and giggle like any other child. I've made a lot of friends through working at the playscheme, and even though we only see each other during the holiday playschemes whenever we do it, it feels like we've never been apart and we chat away about all sorts. It's such a great experience and a great thing to do and I plan to continue on doing it.

On another matter I went on a second date with a guy :) I totally forgot to write a blog about my first date with him so I guess I'll just start there...no on second thoughts I'll start from the very beginning.

So I'd had a bit too much to drink and randomly added him on facebook because I thought he was cute...yes I do weirdo things like this but that's just me :P So he accepted and we talked the next day and he gave me his number and we talked a lot, getting to no each other. We agreed to meet up and go on a date, even if it didn't work out it would still be nice to meet each other in person. We agreed to go to the cinema to go see Side Effects, it was my choice of movie, and go for drinks beforehand. So last Monday we met up at the cinema, bought tickets and went to the pub for drinks. We never even go I.D'd...I dunno whether to take it as a compliment as it kinda means that I look 25...but anyway I've been sidetracked back to the date. So we sat in the pub for half an hour and chatted over drinks about all sorts, there was never an awkward moment which is always a good thing. Then we went to into the cinema and sat up the very back. The movie started and it was a great movie, lasted about 2 and a half hours, but well worth it. During the film I put my head on his shoulder and he took hold of my hand and held it. It gave me butterflies in my tummy and I smiled. He kissed me head and then kissed my hand...and then kissed me :) It was amazing, it made me smile a lot. So after the movie we got the same bus, but he got off before me and he went home.

Our second date was last night and it was just as if not more successful than the first one. We went to the cinema again and to the pub, this time it was Identity Theft which was his choice of movie...man I've never laughed so much in my life before, it was such a funny and great movie, I definitely recommend it :) So when I first saw him he gave me this massive cuddle. When I was in the hospital the other day he got really worried about me and scared that I was going to die...it was cute that he was worried, not because he was worried but because it showed he cared :) Then we went to the pub and chatted again for half an hour :) I forgot to mention...he makes fun of my choice of drink...yes I ordered a cherry V.K and he's right when he says 14 year olds drink it but so who cares :P cause yolo ;) okay forget I just said that...I'm never saying that again. So anyway back to the date :) After the pub we went to the cinema and he took my hand before the movie even started this time and I put my head on his shoulder. I spent the entire moving cuddling him :) There was one point where there was a snake...and I HATE snakes so I hid haha, he smiled at me finding it funny. After the cinema we walked to the bus stop and he held my hand on the way to the bus stop. At the bus stop we waited for the bus and I was cold so he cuddled me trying to keep me warm :P the bus came and we got on and when he went to get off his kissed me goodbye :)

So we've arranged another date...which is either gonna be going out for dinner or just watching a movie at either one of our houses :) I don't know what lies ahead...after all I have only met him twice but I can say this, he makes me really happy, he makes me smile, he's lovely and he's NOT just using me for sex. I'm glad I added him on facebook :) Even if it does make me seem like a creep :P So I'll keep you all updated on the boy front but for now I've got to go do this German past paper that I spent 30 minutes just starring at...wish me luck :p

Breathing...that essential part of life that I can't even get right...

I seem to be getting into blogging a lot more of late, I guess it's just because I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Today something quite bad happened...my mum received a letter from my school that stated "Due to Nicole's results in the English prelim she will be with drawn from the course so as to focus on her other subjects." just like that in BIG BOLD letters. I read it over and over again hoping the words would change but they still haven't done.

It's all because I wasn't there yesterday to hand in two pieces of course work...yes I get that they're a vital part of the course but I was seriously ill...I had my second worst asthma attack ever on Wednesday night and quite frankly English was the last thing on my mind...I was reviewed by intensive care doctor's and everything, it's not like I'm even over-exaggerating...god I wish I was but I'm really not. I spent 3 hours in resuscitation which has gotta be some sort of record. It was so scary...I still managed to smile though, I felt like I'd run 4 different marathons my body was so exhausted by the end of it. Not breathing is the scariest thing I've ever been through and I hate the fact that I have to go through it time and time again and not many people get it. Not the doctors...not my mum...not my friends...not my teachers...even I myself don't get it. I struggle a lot with it, everyone says I'm a strong person but right now I'm admitting to you that I'm really not, inside I'm anything but a strong person, I guess I just put on a brave face for other people. Does that make me a weak person? No it doesn't...it certainly doesn't make me a strong person though.

I need 4 exam results this academic year to be able to fulfill the conditional offers for my university conditionals...I'm still waiting to hear back from 3 universities out of the 5 I've applied for. I applied for 2 courses of psychology and 3 of primary education. I've heard back from both psychology courses, both giving me a conditional offer: one of BBBB and the other of 280 UCAS points which amounts to about BBBC. I'm waiting to hear back from all 3 primary education courses, but all of them need at least a C in higher English which just has to be the subject which my school decides to drop me from. I'm trying really hard, I really am, I'm revising it's not my fault I'm never in class. If I could I would go to class rather than be sick because in reality I HATE being ill, I feel like it's my fault even though it's not but it feels to me like the school is punishing me for something which is clearly out with of my control...

My life is hard enough without them making it so much harder, I know so many people are worse off and after all this isn't a competition to determine who has the hardest life but I know for a fact that I have a worse life than a lot of people I know. I have a home, loving family and friends...but I don't have my health and the ability to breathe properly which is something which every single human being is entitled to have...the ability to breathe freely. It feels like I fail in everything, I mean come on breathing...one of the most essential parts of life and I can't even get that right...I'm gonna end this now as I feel my little rant is over and I've managed to get out some of my emotions and anger so bye for now...look for another post soon :)

My best friend and love?

When I was 14 years old I met someone who has influenced my life a lot. His name is James Innes Cameron and well he is such an amazing boy :) We've had our ups, and we've had ours downs but he truly is one of the only people I can fully trust nowadays. He's always there to pick me up whenever I need someone and doesn't even hesitate. We may not live near each other, he lives in the Scottish borders and me in East Lothian, but he's still one of my greatest and best friends ever. We have amazing memories together and he truly is someone who can always make me smile and laugh no matter what :)

It doesn't matter what James has always been there. He was the first boy to ever make me feel love...he used to call me "the most beautiful girl in the world" and it always used to make me smile no matter what I was going through. We were together for eight months and I guess just being immature at 15 things ended but at least we got through it and we've become great friends out of it all :) I wouldn't give up James for anything and no matter what happens between us I want him to always be in my life. He's supported me through everything, he's saved me from doing stupid things, he's picked me up when I've been thrown down by everyone else...he's truly the best friend anyone could ask for.

I can't even begin to describe just how much me and James have been through together...I kept a diary when we were together and also when we split up so I figured I'll write some of that stuff down :)

Friday 25th January 2009: 
OMG! I can't believe what happened today. The new guy in my class James and me are going out!!! All thanks to Andrew in PSE! Oh yeah I got James's number today! He text me back and it was really cute!

Saturday 7th February 2009:
Today was my birthday party but was also the most magical day of my life so far! We were in the dark of laser quest and it happened! I KISSED JAMES! OMG! It was amazing!

Saturday 28th February 2009: 
Today I went on my first official date with James! We went to the cinema and saw Slumdog Millionaire! It was a really good film. We held hands for ages and he rubbed circles on the back of my hand. It felt so good! I was actually frozen to the spot and couldn't move it was that amazing. We kissed again today and I just wished that the moment could have lasted forever.

Okay...so I was a lovely immature little 15 year old girl who thought she was in love, I look back and smile because I was genuinely happy :) Even if it's really cheesy stuff :P Then you get to the things I wrote when we broke up...and it's back to sad stuff again :/

Writing it's a good way of spending time, you can let your emotions spill out onto paper and no one will question you. It's good to to write things down so you can let other people know what emotions and feelings that you can't tell them. I guess from the moment I laid eyes on him something was bound to go wrong...He was tall with sandy blonde hair and baby blue eyes. I didn't even like him at first...not even as a friend...so I guess it's alright for me to sit and wonder how I got from the point of not even liking him to being fully and madly in love with him. After that first week of my two friends going up to him asking him out for me, I can only assume that he got tired and said yes like most people would. Okay maybe the first two weeks were awkward, I mean we didn't know basically anything about each other and then bam we were together. The magical bit came with our first kiss...it was my birthday party and we kissed. I had never felt anything like it before. It felt strange but I didn't want it to end at the same time as it felt amazing. Everything seemed to be going so right, he was the most amazing guy I had ever met and he treated me the way I had always wanted boys to treat me. I remember the first time he said I love you to me, at that moment I knew there was no escaping. I needed to be with him, I lavished the very thought of him. I dreamt about seeing him and even today the dreams and visions seem so real...I loved him and he loved me, everything was going in the right direction. You always dream about one day finding your prince charming who will come and sweep you off your feet and find the direct road to your heart. I had found my fairytale prince and I was his princess, I never did want to change him and even now I still don't because he is perfect in so many ways. The memories of the time we had together flood my eyes like tears. They are a constant reminder of what once was but what no longer is and that's the worst part about it, never hearing him say I love you again, or never hearing him call me the most beautiful girl on earth. I don't know if he still loves me...I pray to god he does, but I will understand if he doesn't. I think if he does find someone else...then i just hope it's not someone I know as it's bad enough to see the person you love with someone else but when it's someone you know then that's when the line is drawn...

There's pages and pages of things like this written in a diary...these are just the first few so from what you've read you can clearly see this boy meant and still does mean a lot to me. I just don't want to lose him, or hurt him like I did in the past or ruin our friendship because what we have at the moment is something so special and I never want to lose it or him...

First impressions last a lifetime...she's still my best friend through it all!

My best friends name is Joann Wilson and she's 17 years old. We've known each other for the best part for 5 years but we didn't actually meet until last year.

Let's just say her first impressions of me weren't the greatest...and as I've always been told first impressions last a life time but I guess she found it more funny than anything. She walked into the flat to find me with my head over a toilet...a toilet which I later on went to break accidently, I swear it was an accident :p I'd had maybe just a wee bit too much to drink...okay that's a lie, I had 4 drinks (2 glasses of home-made cider and 2 glasses of red wine...this is why I now HATE red wine with a passion :P) then afterwards spent the next 4 hours with my head over the toilet spewing...I never did get the Mcdonald's like was planned and I was gutted :/ I learned from that experience...and now you probably think I'm the biggest lightweight out there...well I'm a lightweight but never as bad as that, I'd just had my appendix out and was on two very strong antibiotics and let's just say I've learned NEVER to mix them with drink again.

Anyway I've slightly drifted off topic. Joann is my best friend and nobody or nothing can change that. We've had our ups...and of course like most friendships our downs but throughout it all we've come out a lot stronger. People think we're mental...and to be honest I don't blame them. Whenever we go to Tesco's we always walk around without shoes on...it's weird we don't get many strange looks for it :P We also go on random 10 miles walks when we're bored...then have a well deserved chippy afterwards!

Joann always makes me smile, it doesn't matter what she can always make me smile, practically wet myself. She's a lovely person but man...when  you piss her off you PISS HER OFF! She goes mental :P I find it funny sometimes when she's having a wee rant about someone. We have wee bitching sessions about people who're pissing us off at that moment in time...we even have some strange names for people too, probably so most sane people don't get what we're on about. I love her wee rants :) They always cheer me up and make me smile. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves but in the end a cuddle always makes it better. Once we were having a really bad time and I went to sleep and we'd argued and woke up to her having sent me a picture with "I need you more than you think" written on it. I randomly started crying...man I got some weirdo looks but I was happy we were friends again :)

We go on wee trips to Asda and Tesco, wee Mcdonald dates...most of the time with her boyfriend Martyn. We have fun, I mean we're both weird but I'd be scared if she was normal :P

Another thing about Joann...probably the coolest thing ever! She is fluent in sign language and teaches me all the bad words :P She's a really strong person, who battles through everything with a big smile on her face :) She's been through a lot and yet she's still strong. She never gives up, and if she does want to I'm always there to try pick her up again. She does that with me too, she's always at the end of the phone when I need her, she's always just a bus ride away too. She never does let me down, she posts statuses on facebook to make me smile and listen's to my rants most of them about how guys are twats...when I say that most of the ones I know are, MOST not ALL! She's a genuine friend and I could never ask for someone else, she's like my sister :)

Joann drunk...well that's another story. She lay on my kitchen floor and smelled it telling me that it smelled nice...she lay under my kitchen table and tried to fall asleep. Me and her both serenaded her boyfriend and each other with several songs. We peed together...yes I needed to declare that to the internet :P We both sat chatting in the bathroom while she went for a pee! Proves we're best friends though..we're at that stage in our relationship.



Overall Joann is an amazing lass. She's beautiful both inside and out and she never lets me down. She's a friend for life and I hope to never loose her <3

So there's this guy...

So basically I met this guy...3 months ago. We met online but he's not one of those really creepy old men who go online to find underage girls...he's genuinely an 18 year old guy. He is pretty awesome: he plays basketball and badminton, he goes to university-the smart arse he is-, he never lets you down and he doesn't like taking compliments no matter how hard you try.

I'll start from the start. I met him through Ask.fm...yeah I got bored one day and followed him...then stalked his facebook...but he doesn't need to know that...oh and followed him on Twitter. So after about a month of talking we eventually agreed to meet up. He was just as he'd portrayed himself online and through text, the same caring person who could make me smile :) He however even now still has a thing for teasing me about my walking speed...yes I walk like a elderly snail but hey ho...He's really caring, really nice and just genuine.
So I really really liked this guy...and well I did what most other people couldn't do...tell him and his reaction was...pretty normal, he was calm and was like "Hey least you could admit it"

So fast-forward to now and where are we? Well he's currently in a skype call...waiting for the link to this blog so I ummmm...better not saying anything I shouldn't ;), we talk quite a lot through text, on the phone and now skype :) Our relationship has changed a lot but I'd still regard him as one of my closest friends, we've known each other for 3 months but he's the type of person who doesn't judge you and you feel like you could tell your whole life story to. He cares...sometimes too much, which is a good thing...or at least I think. He's an amazing person and I wish he could see himself for the person he truly is but he doesn't realise just how great he is. He makes me smile a lot, with a lot of his tweets which often get re-tweeted on my twitter and he makes me laugh too...2 great skills which will be of good use to him when finding a girl :p

A lot of stuff's happened between us in the past 3 months, we've had our ups...and our downs and he even stopped talking to me for a while. I don't blame him it was my fault.

My problem now though is I dunno what to do...I love him and everything about him...god help me! We've discussed a lot together and well he doesn't  want a relationship and I totally respect him for it, I'd not give up what we have for anything in the world. He means a lot to me and no matter what he always will. He's a great guy...one of the best out there and unfortunately for him he's not getting rid of me that easily :P

So there's this guy who's funny, sweet, a lovely smile and great looking...yet he doesn't see that. He's an amazing guy, someone I'm so happy to be able to call my friend and who's a genuine friend for life :)